if only i know what's my personality really is

am i being a difficult person?

i can't see that on myself. an i had always thought i'm being the one being bullied and taken advantage of.

when a person who's status is lower than me ordered me to do this that yes that i know i'm getting bullied.

but when i'm the one who request the lower status person to help/does a work for me i'm not sure if i'm being a difficult person.
that, with a situation where this person have 3 hours and 20 minutes of working time left before he call it a day.

i just need about 20minutes of this person's help. and this particular person's schedule is as follows which i assumed on the time taken (following my speed of walking and taking things)

1.40 - 2.00 helping me
2.00 - 3.00 taking material because it needed some authorized person to take.
3.00 - 3.30/4.00 measuring material
4.00 - 4.20 throwing material
4.20 - 5.00 arrange data (which this person would not finish on time cause it takes more then half day to arrange due to slow-ness of its brain technology)

i'm being difficult because it can't finish up 'arranging data'. is that it?

and now it was saying that 'it's not that i don't want to help it's just that i can't and i don't have the time as i have so many things to do'. this person have been telling the same reason for the whole past month and yet get to help me.

i know and realise that there's no rest time in between but who rest after each task? and i could assume it's perfect schedule is to be

1.40 - 2.30 take material
2.30 - 3.30 measure material
3.30 - 4.00 sit/rest
4.00 - 4.30 throwing material
4.30 - 4.55 sit
4.55 get out and wait for 5 to punch out.

wow definitely this schedule is way much more better ain't it? even i would loved it. *sarcasm*

i know it moved and walked slowly due to health reasons *cough*obesity*cough*cough*
but seeing how yesterday it could get from the furthest storage area and back in 10mins and getting down the 2 flight of stairs (it'll usually get down in about 30seconds) is like a Usain Bolt broke his world record.


is this post on me being difficult or complaining on it?

yeah, i'm being difficult. i'll think more and take things more into consideration first before doing anything.

still confused.

It's been a month since i started. if i were to add up with my internship duration till now, it'll be the 6th month.

honestly, you'll be thinking that i should at least know who is who, whys, whats and hows by now.
but, no. i don't know who is who, i don't know why it's happening, i don't know how it's happening and i have no idea what's happening.
i don't know why i'm still confused. i don't know where to start on a task. where to refer to, what to refer, what to know, what to take note on, who to ask, why why why.

i'm suppose to be the one asking why and hows. but instead, i've gotten alot of whys and whys every single day. i don't know whys seriously, why bother asking me. i'm still learning.

and people still asking me why am i still doing a job for an intern student. am i getting bullied? i sometimes thinks so and sometimes don't. it feels like it is part of my job. i'm suppose to do everything from scratch, even the minor ones and the problem is that intern students are the ones that's doing the minor ones. i don't mind. it's just that, why people won't stop asking.
if they don't stop, i'll be more prone to thinking that i am, really gotten bullied.

i can't explain things. i'll do a task without asking much, without knowing much. then i will present the results without giving all the whys.

i feel so lack of knowledge.

now one thing, where am i to get the knowledge?

maybe i should

should just tell you how i drive.

dad's been allowing me to drive this past 2 days.

i can't do a simple parking.
nor a normal reverse.
when i drive at on a rainy night, i can't really see the side mirrors so i just changed lanes with one quick glance.
and i feel the windscreen is just not big enough for a full panoramic view.
if only i have cctvs at the back of the car.
still can't estimate distance from the inside.
and how do this people drive and put on seatbelts at the same time?

when i become a pro, i'll tell. promise. pfft.

self discovering

yeah i know there's so much crappy post been up lately. but i found out so much i would wanna 'share'.

no, it's so my future self would read again what had my old self been up to.


after away for a week into foreign country alone (no mum no dad), i found my other self that i've been so long trying to push away to the back corners of my 'personality box' stash.

i knew i was/am;
stingy
selfish
not understanding
commanding
manipulating to get what i want
jump to conclusions without thinking
expecting people to know what i want
proud
loved freedom to the core
hates being tied up by someone i don't even know that well, but i have to respect
wanting independence

(basically this is what i could think of at the moment, i'll just edit again later on)


stingy is the main thing the appears often. to me, not to others. i tend to look at prices with must more interest and ended up getting nothing of everything that i wanted. which i'm still regretting.
selfish, not understanding, commanding, anything below that was all related to each other. it's like i'm being childish which my freedom was so limited i tend to think selfishly and doesn't want to think what's the reason for not giving all my freedom. i'm there alone, it means i'm not tied to my parents and yet a stranger is limiting my freedom. this got me all confused and i acted un-rationally.
proud is another thing. since i've made so much research and reading on the place, i almost know what is what when i saw something. i'll accidentally pratted it out as though i'm a tour guide knowing everything. and i'll scoff at people who take pictures without knowing what is that thing that they had just modeled in front of. seriously, proud at its worst that time.

i don't want to be a person like this. and it's not something you can throw away easily.

confused

i'm so confused and at lost.

going to start my work without the appointment letter due to some complications.
but without letter? it's like going to a place all naked.
i'm not even sure if it is the right thing to do.
i bet there's no other who's doing it like me.
as if the company belonged to my grandpa.

i've been thrown into this dark hole of bad luck.
get away from me *wooooooo*

p/s: i guess i need my thick skin mask back to get through all these things.

i can't go on living like this, being so thick faced and selfish.

letter still not here, in my hands

nope. letter still not coming. and i'm still waiting. so numb.

'nyway i hope i remember this.

Current goal: Focus in career. Period.


p/s: how i would love if Malaysia's day temperature drops all the way to 20 degrees (wanted more lower but i'm being generous here, it's just 10 degrees(or more) lower). these days weather's getting seriously hot and humid.

glasses keeps on sliding down your nose every second because your nose is sweaty (oily). you can't even look up and steal quick glances on good looking guys passing by you without looking everything in a blur just because your glasses are below your eyes. tsk.

just kidding nyahhh. but seriously, those glasses sliding down your nose is damn irritating.

just saying reconsidered

Just saying that since the first trip i took, i came back home and realised, i haven't grown mature one bit. yeah.

since it's a tour, i'll need to be more understanding. which i didn't realise in me that time. the time given to each place was very limited. at most will be 2 hours max. but most of it will just be an hour or some, 40 minutes. to me, it's a problem as there's so much things that i wanted to see! which, time limitations is not a problem to me at all.

whatever it is, i apologise from here. which i doubt they'll know. but all in all, what truly disappoint me was the freedom not given or reluctantly given. and totally not the total numbers of pictures taken throughout the week; frankly i enjoyed alot seeing them taking pictures not to mention a few attempts on joining them too.

Being irritating *with glee*

Just came back from South Korea a week ago.

I'm not pretty sure if its because of trying too hard to converse a full sentence in korean for a full 7 days (being arrogantly irritating here) or staying passive for 2 months had made my engrish gone bad. bad like, real bad. i can't even be sure if 'request' is in its right spelling.

my brain's gone dead. and they said doing nothing will kill you brain nerve cells. but i was constantly reading. READING! how can that be. realising this happened last saturday during my convocation day where i can't spell or write simple straight sentences, i started to watch movies again. i rarely watch movies but since i was desperate..yeah. watching english movies without subtitles helps my hearing and understanding.

i'm typing this as though i'm having a disease or something.

i realised on the past few months i started to forget things. things that i took and left in a place, or things that i touched and never put back, i've forgotten all about it in just few seconds. for instance, i went into a room, switched on the lights and then went back out without switching it off. it's what everyone will do. but not me. i don't do that. or rarely do that. usually i'll be conscious on these things but recently i've been doing it as though it's a daily routine.

this keeps letting me thinking if i'm going to have Alzheimer's or something. but it never happen when i was in Korea. maybe i'm just being to slack and reckless at home. =/

sorry bout that

Hi there

I was suppose to post on something about my mind last 2 weeks ago but then i kinda forgot what's my password and email.. and blogger kinda changed abit so i'm still not getting used to it.

just happened to read the past few posts that i posted and i do sound like a person who doesn't know how to compose a post well.
i mean, i sounded so childish, so ew. i bet this one is too.

delaying

Dear Hope,

There's so many things that I'm hoping. Though I know it is too much but that is all I know.
Money is starting to get into my concerns.
Though I'm having a pre-grad trip but as soon as the tix was booked, I immediately regretted it.
The feeling of being umemployed is starting to creep over me.

Hope?

hi there

industrial training really took my time away from catching up with people.

i guess i would need to learn to balance working and socialising. now i've realised how easy it is to be a workaholic. i would rather work and work and do things than sitting down and do nothing. i realise i have more things that i could handle thus there's loads of reports pending waiting for me to finish it up.

i'm not even sure if i wanna be an adult.
there's so many different people who you'll see and met.
i've met the ones who know that you could do things, and they would expect you to have the results there and then.
i've met the ones who be good to you, used you when they need you, then bitched you when they don't need you.
i've met the good ones, some advantage taker ones, the ones who appreciate and the ones who f***ing don't care.
i've definitely met the one and only who slacks, sleep, drags, crawl all day, get paid and seriously have a really thick skin.

i'm lucky to have a supervisor that understands, could negotiate and could be really funny at times.

and i thought uni was bad. working's worse.

bye now.

it's time

it's time to be an adult.

no more pretending to be blur case. here we go.

our parting of the ways

i dreamt holding hands with my best friend, and refusing to let go.

and it says that holding hands with your friend means you're afraid of losing the friendship and being separated.

true.

after those issues happened between us last july, i would never wanted us to stop talking again. and i'm glad that i got to spend time with my best friend before the semester officially ended for me.

the friends that i've made in uni, we'll be all over M'sia doing our pracical. though it's not far, more like few states away or in one case, a country away,  i just hope dad will allow me to drive far away from home for abit so i could meet with them. my practical will be near home, too near till i got a feeling of being alone all over again without them.

at least we made a promise to meet up after 3 months. and i hope that will happen.
bestie made a promise to meet up again and i hope that will come. =)

bye now, it is time for me to grow up, and be strong

hey you

nah just wanna have something typed in here.

there's alot going on. mostly farewells. and thesis submission later today.
then i'll be back home for good.
there's some i'll miss, there's some i'll just think about it and put it on another side.
i think i might get a diary. i tend to forget memories.

bye you

whenever the smiling mushroom picture popped on to the news feed, i got afraid. haha

Endings are always the saddest even after months of frustrations, failures and repeats

 =)

the last

uni days are coming to an end in another week.
finals ended like about a week ago, and we're just waiting to edit and submit the thesis.

the end of this semester i definitely learnt alot. especially from my supervisor. i was told off loads of times to be more responsible, disciplined and be more thankful. she was really frank to me. it's true that i felt hurt whenever she said that over in the facebook chat (yes we communicate more in fb) and then never reply my apology after that but i know that it's the best for me. well, if i wanted to learn it the hard way this is what i get. then i started regretting and feeling sorry and everything.

how do i say? i'm feeling very thankful, but i don't know how to say it or expressed it. now it sounds like some excuses isn't it?

and well, the people that i will think about most are my classmates and the lecturers that have make a mark deep within me. like my supervisor for example.

gone will be the times where i ran all the way to the lecturer's room to submit my assignment and my draft thesis.
gone will be the days or laughter and picking on each other during classes or any other times.
gone will be the days of trying to climb over a hole in the fence just to get some supper at 3am (we have curfews).
gone will be the times where i sleep over at a friend's room just for the fun of it.
gone will be the times where i get to watch horror or thriller movies in my friend's room. i will never be watching those anymore without anyone.
gone will be the days of running around in the lab and poking our noses into other people's work.
gone will be the days getting told off by the lecturers.
gone will be the days of being independent.
gone be the times of having total freedom.
gone will be the days of cruising around Kuantan and being disturbed by 'monkeys' in the middle of the night.
(yeah i miss that. those people are such silly to be looked at).
no more watching late night movies.
no more throwing sock water onto your friend,
no more gang 'fights' among classmates.
no more shooting stars watching. (ump have the perfect dark place to watch shooting stars)
no more going for taekwondo practice.
no more looking forward to the sports complexs.
no more stressing out for finals.
no more rushing to classes.
no more sleeping on bunk beds.
no more living in hostel.
no more sharing smelly toilets (okay, that i definitely won't be missing).
no more complaining about roommies that controls your sleeping habits and eating habits.
no more..every little things that happens everyday.

one thing that i'm afraid off is that i will forget all these 3 years over here one day when new things come.

and i do really hope that i will get my internship acceptance form as soon as possible. please please please.